This blog post is all about dark-humor jokes.
Let’s start this post with a huge disclaimer. These are JOKES. It is not our intention to offend anyone.
Please take these jokes lightly as they are written just for fun. So if you have s sick and twisted sense of humor… Keep reading.
We found the darkest humor jokes just for you. Some people appreciate dark humor all over the internet, so we had plenty of ideas to choose from.
According to our research, there are over 300,000 Google searches for dark humor jokes. So you are not alone in looking for these. And they go way beyond the typical dad jokes.
While reading this post, you will see that these dark jokes get progressively worse and they are meant for mature audiences.
We know that a lot of people can’t take a joke these days. So this is your safe space to enjoy these. Only read them to a person who gets dark humor.
These jokes are so dark that you will have no choice but to laugh at them. And if you don’t laugh, then you just might cry.
Dark Humor Jokes That Are Really Hilarious
Here are some of the sickest and most funny dark-humor jokes that will make you laugh or cry. Please do not repeat these to someone who does not understand dark humor.
What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman? You can drop her off anywhere.
When I dunk my cookies in milk, I think of you. I hold them down until the bubbles stop.
What do you call a lesbian with long nails? Single.
My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now, he’ll really know what rejection feels like.
What do peanut butter and strippers have in common? They both spread for bread.
Why should you never fart in an Apple store? Because they don’t have windows.
Went to Disneyland because my daughter is obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.
Do you know the one place where “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” don’t mean the same thing? A funeral.
What do you call people that insist on using the “pull out” method? Parents.
My wife/husband is insisting we have another kid. It’s a good thing because I really don’t like the one we have right now.
Why do hospitals have air conditioning? To keep the vegetables nice and cool.
What do you call an orphan taking a selfie? A family photo.
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin mobile.
In prison why is a white man scarier than a black man? Because he did it.
What do you call a duck on drugs? A quackhead.
Why can’t orphans use iPhones? They can’t find the home button.
What happens when a depressed kid tries to high-five a tree? It leaves him hanging.
What does baby just get my doctor’s test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face. For instance, when you push them down the stairs.
I have a drinking problem, I can’t afford it.
RELATED: 113+ 26 FUNNY DIRTY NAMES THAT ARE VERY INAPPROPRIATE
Why should you always borrow money from a pessimist? They won’t expect it back.
My spouse and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Donate one kidney, they call you a hero. Donate two, they call you a saint. But donate three or more, and suddenly you’re a “monster.”
A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, “Hey mister, it’s getting really dark and I’m scared.” The man replies, “How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.”
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
“You see, insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops”
What’s the difference between a knife and your life? A knife has a point.
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.
I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.
“You could say what you want about the deaf.” -Jimmy Carr
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
What’s the last thing to go through a fly’s head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 mph? Its butt.
My parents raised me as an only child, which really annoyed my younger sister.
Never break someone’s heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
What makes sad people jump? Bridges
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.
“I work with animals,” the guy says to his date. “That’s so sweet,” she replies. “I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?” “I’m a butcher,” he says.
How many men does it take to open a beer? One? None, It should be open when she brings it.
The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
My mom was chopping onions so I cried. Onions was a good dog.
Why does Hellen Keller wear tight pants? So you could read her lips.
What do girls and rocks have in common? The flat ones get skipped.
What is the difference between a redhead and a brick? A brick gets laid.
I hope death is a woman. That way it will never come for me.
What’s the last thing to go through a fly’s head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 miles per hour?
Its butt.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
My family is like a treasure to me. You need a shovel and a map to find them.
I saw this guy getting jumped by two other guys, so I jumped in. He couldn’t stand between the three of us.
How do you make Holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
Today I went to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face. My parents are the worst.
“What does a liar do when he’s dead? He lies still” -From the new Batman movie 😉
What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can’t unscrew a pregnant woman.
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.
A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”
What do you call a bi-person on fire? LGBBQ.
The wife left a note on the fridge tonight. It said “It’s not working. I can’t take it anymore. I’m going to mom’s.” I opened the fridge. The light came on. The beer was cold. What the freak is she talking about?
Why don’t churches have wi-fi? Because they can’t compete with an invisible force that actually works.
Why did the duck go to jail? For selling quack.
Dark humor is not for everyone?
Are you still there? Are you mad at us yet? If not please share this post with other twisted people and leave a comment below.
This blog post was all about dark-humor jokes that cross the line.
