This blog post is all about premarital counseling and premarital counseling questions.
This is a personal story about marriage counseling. I want to share with you what I experienced with my husband (then boyfriend) during this process. And how it was one of the most important steps we took before we tied the knot.
Before we get into what happened, I want to leave a disclaimer that this may nit be your experience with premarital counseling. This information is to help you with some things that could possibly happen with pre marriage counseling.
In this blog post I will go over some premarital counseling basics, share my personal experience and even give some insight into on of the exercises me and my spouse did during the sessions. By the end of this post, you will have a better of what you could get out of premarital counseling.
What is premarital counseling?
My rough definition of premarital counseling is a meeting with a professional to discuss your relationship with your partner. Typically talking about why you want to get married and both people’s expectation of the future.
This is a serious step forward in the relationship. It could be a time to talk about difficult things in a setting where there is mediator. Or it could be a time to learn more about your partner and their life goals and values.
When Should you Start Premarital Counseling?
You do not have to be engaged to start premarital counseling. If you are in a committed relationship and considering marriage with that person in the future, then I would recommend it. But if you are already engaged, you should go to at least one premarital counseling session.
Me and my partner were not engaged at the time of our sessions but we took the relationship seriously and we both knew that marriage was in the future. At the time we have been a couple for about 4 years.
This is not something you should rush into just to check a box. You should have a conversation with your partner on why this is necessary and the timeline. You both should also be comfortable with going. You do not ant to feel forced or obligated to start premarital counseling.
How to Find Premarital Counseling?
The best way to find premarital counseling is through your church (that’s the type of marriage counseling we used). If you are not affiliated with a church then you could look for organizations that offer couples counseling. There are also a number of online counselors that offer services to couples.
If you seek premarital counseling through your church, that should be free. If you go through another organization, some may accept insurance. Other establishments may require you to pay.
What happened during premarital counseling?
I was very nervous to go through this process, but is was surprisingly fun and laid back. We met with the pastor and me and my spouse talked about our backgrounds, how we met, and why we wanted to get married.
The conversation went very smoothly and we found that we had a lot in common with the pastor and his wife. We talked for about an hour and at the end the pastor gave us some homework.
He handed us a paper with some questions and asked us to answer them separately and then come together and share answers together. He said that we will discuss what happened at the next session.
I was sure it was going to throw the questions in my purse and forget about it. Then I took a look at the questions…
Premarital Counseling Questions Take Home Exercise
Yooooo! I was shocked to see how these questions cut to the chase. The first section was about “Physical Desires” and it was all about sex. I was thinking “DANG, pastor!” Clearly, I was not expecting that. I immediately started skimming through the rest of the questions.
As I continued going down the list of questions, I saw topics on emotional needs, Finances, and intellectual and professional preferences.
Before I begin to list the questions, I would like to give full credit to Pastor Eldren Morrison of Shaw Temple Church in Smyrna, Georgia.
Physical Needs/Desires
- What kind of sexual relationship do you expect to have with your partner?
- What do you think will be your frequency of intercourse?
- What is you favorite sexual fantasy?
- What do you feel unforgettable with sexually?
- What birth control will you use?
- What sexual behaviors are off-limit for you?
- Do you expect your partner to be monogamous?
- Do you want children in this marriage? If yes, when?
- Is there anything else in the sex topic that you want to discuss with your partner?
- Do you have any special needs for touching or physical affection? Be specific.
- How do you like to wake up in the morning (quietly, to music, in you partner’s arms, etc.)?
- How do you like to sleep at night (on which side of the bed, wearing what, in silence, etc.)?
Emotional Needs/Desires
- What is you favorite way to have your partner demonstrate his or her love to you (words, touch, gifts, etc.)?
- How do you like to show your love for your partner?
- When you feel upset or hurt, what would you like your mate to do to comfort you?
- If you two have a problem and can’t solve it together, what would you be willing to do to move forward (talk with friends, seek marital counseling, read books together, etc.)?
- Is there any particular emotional need that you have that your partner should know about (something that lingers from childhood, for example)?
- Do you have any fears about you marriage that you haven’t shared?
- What do you feel will be the greatest emotional weakness as a spouse?
- What do you feel will be the greatest emotional strength as a spouse?
- Why are you getting married?
Finances
- Will you have a joint checking account?
- Will you have a joint savings account?
- How will you share and/or divide bills and expenses?
- What investments and retirement plans do you have?
- If you plan to have children, how will they be provided for?
- How much will you save each month?
- If either of you (or both) already have children, how will they be provided for?
- How much money do you have?
- How much debt do you have?
- What property do you bring to the marriage?
- Will you have a prenuptial agreement drawn up legally?
- What kind of financial contribution or support do you expect form your partner?
Intellectual and Professional Preferences
- What intellectual pursuits do you most enjoy (books, museums, music, art etc.)?
- What is your favorite form of entertainment?
- Do you want to further your education during your marriage?
- Do you plan to change professions?
- What career path(s) do you see before you?
- How would you like your partner to assist or support you in reaching your goals?
Spirituality
- What kind of spiritual beliefs do you hold?
- What is God to you?
- What holiday to you want to celebrate and how?
- What spiritual practices do you want your partner to participate in?
- What daily spiritual ritual can you do together to build family unity?
- What spiritual beliefs do you want to teach your children?
- What services do you think can give as a couple to help others?
Cultural Dynamics
- How do you envision the religious and spiritual life that we share together?
- If we have children, how would you like our children to be raised (spiritually, culturally etc.)?
- How will we resolve cultural differences when they arise? (Keeping in mind that there is no right or wrong answer, you simply need to find a way that works for both of you).
- What holiday traditions are important/significant to you?
- Are there new cultural traditions yo would like us to share together?
- What are your family’s expectations and commitments of me as your spouse? (In some cultures, the son or daughter-in-law plays a specific role).
Conclusion and Happily Ever After?
REMINDER: The marriage counselor did not ask us these questions in the session. We did this exercise at home individually, them came together to discuss as a couple.
After answering all of those questions, I learned some things about myself and was anxious to see what my partner put for his answer. A few days later, we found time to look at answers and talk about it. We laughed and really enjoyed what the other wrote for their answers.
The section of questions I found most helpful (besides physical desires) were finances. This was a good way to get insight into how my partner thought about money without being too nosey.
A couple of weeks later, we met back with the pastor and he asked us how did the homework go. We explained how we learned a lot about ourselves and each other. We also had a lot of fun talking about the answers. The pastor went over a few of the finance and professional questions. And that was the end of that session.
Flash forward….. A year later, when we got engaged (finally), we had one more premarital session. It was more of a meeting to discuss our wedding plans and how we wanted him to perform the ceremony.