79 Dirty Jokes That Are Funny ASF

This blog post is all about dirty jokes to tell your friends.

We are often told not to take life too seriously. After all, life is just one big dirty joke. Speaking of dirty jokes, we have the ultimate stockpile of the dirtiest, raunchiest, and definitely, NSFW jokes for you.

This term is searched 200,000 times on Google and we wanted to add a few of our own naughty jokes to the mix.

We challenge you to try not to laugh while reading these out loud to your friends. Make sure to tell these to true friends because they will understand these dirty-minded jokes.

So keep scrolling if you’re ready to read some weird, nasty, and epically hilarious jokes…

Dirty Jokes That Are Absolutely Nuts

1 What’s still together after all the sh*t they’ve been through? Your butt cheeks.

2. What’s the best thing about gardening? Getting down and dirty with your hoes

3. What has 148 teeth and holding back a monster? My zipper.

4. Want to know how to fit 71 people in the car? 2 in the front while we handle 69 in the back.

5. What comes after 69? Mouthwash.

6. What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A hooker could wash her crack and resell it.

7. Want to know a proven way a man and woman can be friends without s3x? Marriage.

8. What’s the difference between you and the refrigerator? The refrigerator doesn’t moan when I put my meat in it.

9. What’s the difference between a job and marriage? A job still sucks after 10 years.

10. What’s the difference between me/you and a mosquito? A mosquito will stop sucking once you slap it.

11.Why don’t witches wear underwear? Because they need a better grip.

12. Why do women talk so much and why do guys think so much? Because one has two lips and one has two heads.

13. Why are women like Popeye’s? Because once you’re done with the breast and thighs all you have is an empty box to put your bone-in.

14. Why does a woman prefer an old gynecologist over a new one? Because the old one has shaky hands.

15. What do a boyfriend and a spider have in common? Women always exaggerate how big it is.

16. What did one butt cheek say to the other? Together we can stop this sh*t.

17. What do a pizza delivery person and a gynecologist have in common? They can both smell it but can’t eat it.

18. Do you need a carpenter? Because I could nail you then hammer you.

19. What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? I want you inside me.

20. What rhymes with kick? Pick (dirty mind joke)

21. What do a good woman and a good bar have in common? Liquor in the front and poker in the back.

22. Dirty mind test: What starts with d and ends with ick? Drumstick.

23. What’s the best waterslide for kids? Your throat.

24. What is the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One’s a Goodyear and one’s a great year.

25. What’s white and 14 inches long? Nothing.

26. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A Lickalotopus.

27. What do you call a nurse with dirty knees? The Head nurse

28. What do a gay man and an ambulance have in common? They both take it in the back and go “whoot whoot.”

29. Are you a coconut? I want to smash you until all the white stuff comes out.

30. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? Because his right hand caught on fire.

31. What’s long and hard and full of seamen? A submarine

32. What goes in hard and comes out soft and wet? Chewing gum.

33. What are 3 two letter words that mean small? Is it in?

34. What stays moist when you tie up its legs? A turkey.

35. What’s the difference between Covid and your legs? I don’t want Covid to spread.

36. What do a boyfriend/girlfriend and a math test have in common? They’re both something we could cheat on.

37. What do a lesbian and a mechanic have in common? They both use snap-on tools.

38. What’s the difference between you and a pair of glasses? Glasses seem to fit higher on my face.

39. Every man has one. It feels great when you blow it and if you’re not careful, it may drip. What is it? A nose.

40. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? She gagged.

41. What is Moby Dick’s father’s name? Papa Boner.

42. How do you spot a blind guy at a nude beach? It’s not hard.

43. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.

44. If a little person says your hair smells nice. Is that s3xual harassment?

45. What’s the difference between you and an egg? An egg gets laid.

46. What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say to clients as they’re leaving? Thanks for coming!

47. What do you do when you’re a man trapped in a woman’s body? You pull out.

48. What did the hooker’s right knee say to her left knee? We should get together more often.

49. What is the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? A zit will wait until you’re 12 to come on your face.

50. What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair.

51. What’s better than a cold Bud? A cold Busch?

52. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry her.

53. What do a near-sided gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.

54. What’s a woman’s favorite thing to put in her mouth? Top Ramen.

55. What’s the difference between a blonde and a washing machine? A washing machine doesn’t follow me home after I dump a load in it.

56. What’s the difference between a g spot and a golf ball? Men will search for a golf ball.

57. Knock Knock,

Who’s there?

Alpha.

Alpha Who?

Alpha Cure Mom.

58. What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cube have in common? The longer you play with it the harder it gets.

59. A dad tells his son “Stop masturbating! if you do it too long you will go blind.” The son replied “Dad, I’m over here.

60. What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? If we don’t get the proper support, people will think we’re nuts.

61. What did the police catch the naked man breaking into Zales? They grabbed him by the jewels.

62. What’s a lesbian’s love language? Speaking in tongue.

63. A woman walks out of the produce section with bad news. She changed the cucumber into a pickle.

64. What starts with the letter c and ends with t. Hairy on the outside and creamy on the inside? A coconut.

65. What do you do when a woman’s choking? Back up a few inches.

66. If a blonde girl says you have a big d___. She’s probably just pulling your leg.

67 What do you call two jalepeños getting it on? F**king hot.

68. Why do boys fart louder than girls? Because they have a microphone and two speakers.

69. What is 6 inches and leave white stuff all over your face? A toothbrush.

70. What are the 2 most important holes in a woman’s body? Her nostrils.

71. What’s the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.

72. What’s the difference between a peeping tom and a pickpocket? One snatches watches.

73. A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush.

74. Let’s play carpenter! First, we’ll get hammered, then I’ll nail you.

75. What do your girlfriend and a pool have in common? They both cost a lot of money for the amount of time you’re inside them.

76. What does a robot do after a one-night stand. Nuts and bolts.

77. What belongs to used but gets used by everyone else more than you? Your name.

78. What’s white and sticky and better to spit out than to swallow? Toothpaste.

79. Did you hear about the guy who dipped his balls in glitter? Pretty nuts!

80. What do you call a herd of cows pleasuring themselves? Beef strokin’ off!

81. An old lady goes to the dentist, sits down, drops underwear and lifts her legs.

Dentist: “I’m not a gynecologist!”

Old Lady: “I know, I need my husband’s teeth back.”